Put Your Spouse First: Advice For Both Wives And Husbands

Put Your Spouse First: Advice For Both Wives And Husbands

By entering into marriage, we take a great risk. We place out very selves – our own intimacy – into the hands of another, who, like we, is beset with defects.

Marriage, however, is a vocation; our specific pathway to Heaven. It's the preeminent way we are meant to love and serve God on this earth. Its purpose goes beyond our capabilities: to nurture and protect human love, and to unleash it on the world. Therefore, love for one's spouse has to be shown in tangible, practical ways.

Your Wife

One of your wife's greatest needs is for you to be her partner and teammate, as opposed to the roles you may be more inclined to fill: coach, referee, babysitter or "temp".

Compliment your wife in person and behind her back. Let her know with very specific and sincere examples how much you admire her and her work in the home. Let others know it, too, whether in her presence (like at social gatherings) or outside it (like work). You want to make it apparent to her that you notice and appreciate her efforts, and apparent to others that "This man really loves his wife!"

Don't teach your wife to nag or sulk. Yes, it's true. You do this when you don't pay undivided attention to her words and ideas. A woman detests having to force her way into her husband's mind and heart; and when faced with it, she will likely keep things bottled up until she has to explode. Unthinking males refer to this as "nagging".

Therefore, recognize that TV, newspapers, magazines, mail, hobbies, etc. are your mortal enemies when you get home from work. Avoid them, go straight to your wife, and with eye-to-eye contact, listen to her tell you how her day has gone. Better yet, take the initiative and ask her how she's doing at least once a week – and give her all the time and attention she needs to tell you.

Don't try to explain your wife's hurts. She only wants your understanding and empathy not solutions to her problems. Do not trivialize her concerns. Also, help with menial tasks around the house. It can be a form of pride to think that these jobs are beneath you. One helpful and challenging suggestion is to struggle hard to perform the task that either you or your wife detests the most. Doing either one will please her greatly.

Your Husband

Don't expect him to be perfect. It's to be hoped that the above points will have reminded him that he's not perfect, and that he needs to work hard to fulfill his commitment of love in marriage. Make sure you let him know, in concrete ways, that you deeply appreciate his struggle – it is very important to a man that his best and honest efforts are treasured.

Do not expect him to be like a woman. He thinks, acts, and reacts differently than you do; and believe it or not, this is a good thing! Do not fall for the contemporary caricature of men as testosterone-poisoned little boys in adult bodies incapable of commitment, personal relationships, or any other useful societal purpose. His maleness is there for you as a complement to you femininity – in other words, as strength for you.

Lavish tenderness and care on your husband. Little matters more to a married man than the certainty of his wife's deep affection and care for him. It's his fixed point amid the chaotic demands of his professional life. You will express this best not by doing occasional, extraordinary things, but by unrelenting acts of simple tenderness on a regular basis.

Should you be that "nag", or should you hunker down and suffer in silence? There's no easy way to answer this, but one suggestion is to limit your requests for help to the "bare necessities" that will keep you going, and tell your husband with a weak smile that he will have to resuscitate you fully as soon as he can.

If each of you takes these matters to heart, you will love your spouse with his or her defects, and struggle against your own defects. Strangely enough, these are the most romantic things you can do for your spouse, because you will be living love where it really counts: in the ordinary things, day by day by day.